THE WRITING DIARIES - THE FEAR OF FAILING


I have been thinking about a hundred different ways to start this post. None of them was the right approach to the subject or were just absolute shit, to be honest with you. I find it hard to write about things that absolutely scare the bejesus outta me and when it comes to writing, everything is scary.


I've been wanting to be a writer since I was a little girl, you see? Whenever my mates and I returned to school after the holidays, teachers always asked us to write an essay about the things we did, the games we played, the family and friends we spent time with but being an only child and living in a neighbourhood where the youngest people, after me, were all those belonging to the generation x, aka my parents and all those that age. No kids, not even a bit older than me so it was just me and my bike, Sandra. But Sandra wasn't very talkative, as you can probably imagine so I had to find a way. I had lots of cousins though but no fun came out of them. The funniest people I used to know back when I was 6 were my parents and honestly, they still are the best people on earth if you ask me. 


I had to do something about it. I wasn't gonna go back to school with the most miserable essay about how little fun I had and how I used to go around on my bike in our massive living room so I started making things up. 


Suddenly, I was the girl who went to Summer Camp, who built a fort in the forest and lived in a treehouse for days and barely escaped a bear attack. I was fun. And a liar but mostly fun and people couldn't wait to know more about my crazy adventures and I actually started having fun writing about them.


Today, after trying different things, from photography to journalism, making my way through some terrible choices, I finally went back to storytelling and boy if I loved it. It was like meeting an old friend after a very long time and I had so much fun!


After that, I rolled up my sleeves and tried to start writing a story and let me tell you, I've never been this vulnerable in my entire life. And I'm one of those people suffering from panic attacks and anxiety so I know what vulnerable means but writing is truly testing me. Still is.


I've been writing a book since November 2017 and I know, it doesn't seem like such a long time but for me it is.  I started this novel being proud of me, I was actually doing something by myself, for myself and it was bliss. Then something happened. A shift, a blow right in the face: I couldn't write anymore. Call it writer's block, but I couldn't picture myself doing this my entire life and yet, this was the only thing I wanted to do. I felt terrible. The fear of wasting my time was eating me alive and the feeling of being a total failure was a whisper I could hear every time I opened that Word document and started typing.


YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT. YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA DO IT.

I'm not living my best life right now, I'm gonna be honest with you. I feel like I'm always waiting and sometimes everything feels too much and all I need is a time off from everything, even from myself.


Fear. The fear of wasting my time is very very present today, whenever I think about all the ways I could sustain myself, when I think about all those dreams I still have, buy a house with a garden, a new car, help my parents out, live a nice life. I want that. And I want it now. But somehow I just can't reach that and I feel like a constant failure. I'm writing days and nights on this novel and I love these characters and the story is what I always wanted to write but I'm scared I won't make it. I'm scared nobody will be interested in what I have to say, in my characters, in the stories I'm crafting and that's pretty bloody bad. I'm also a very lucky gal, I have a family who supports me in everything, people constantly tell me to go on, write and see what happens, to keep on trying, pushing myself hard and beyond the limit. And I am. But sometimes it's not enough.


I believe in this book, I'm putting all my faith in it but sometimes, all it takes is just one moment of doubt to make everything crumble.



Have you ever felt this way? Like the world is doing a pretty good job at not catching up with you? What are you most scared of? Is the fear of failure something that stops you from doing what you want to do? From reaching your goals?

Comments